I have been away working a “real” job. Sadly, and thankfully, it did not last long. I found a job in the field of my degree…. Nursing. I was a charge nurse at a skilled nursing facility (aka nursing home). The title “charge” was a misnomer as it was me and one CNA for a shift of patients ranging from 15 to 55… a shift I refused. It was impossible for me to care for 55 patients on my own with the standard of care I would expect for my own self. I do not regret the experience; it taught me a lot about myself. For one, I have confirmed my suspicions that I live with ADD. I was too easily distracted by patients frequent requests and other nurses coming from other stations looking for a little socialization to get through their shifts. I could not focus on each patient as they deserved.
I also learned that Nursing does not allow room for my creative side to express itself. I was nothing more than a pill pusher and had no outlet for my imaginative soul. My wings were clipped and my voice stifled. I was not fulfilling my purpose, nor being of any true benefit to the people that called this place “home”.
Why would someone like me even get this degree to begin with if it is so incompatible with who I am? Simply put, I wanted to help people. I know it is cliche, but it is sincere. I have always been a people person and always sought ways to bring people comfort. I was always the hugger and healer of the family. It is just who I am. However, modern Western nursing does not afford the opportunity to do so. Yes, nursing is built on non-pharmacological interventions; in reality there are few occasions to do so… just follow the doctor’s orders. Give the medicine prescribed… although it causes more ailments and a “need” for more medicine. This went against my morals and could not agree to sacrifice who I am instinctively just for a job.
My soul suffered along with my body doing the things that did not set right with me. I found that the stress of it began to affect my health rather quickly. I started to have these huge knots in my stomach and lost my appetite. I quickly became dehydrated as the affect of the cortisol coursing through my body took its toll on my gut. I fell out of life. I began sleeping all day, not enjoying anything, not even wanting to take care of my kids. I suppose the facility sensed we were not a match too and we parted ways.
I am recovering my health and am even more adamant than ever to put my soul first in all decisions and choices in my life. I am not a perfect person and have many flaws and deficits… but instead of berating myself for them, I need to accept them and live accordingly.
And let me make this perfectly clear… I do not shun any nurse. I am proud of them for what they are capable of doing. I know that they have a lot of heart to keep going even when it all seems useless and impossible. I just do not have what they have to do what they do.