I have been on a hiatus from blogging. I wish I could come up with so many excuses that would make me sound like I was just too busy. Honestly though, I fell down. I fell down hard off a rocky cliff. I feel ashamed to say it, but at 43 and even with five kids from 21 to 6, I am completely and utterly lost. When I was 16/17, I had it all figured out. I was going to be a Russian interpreter for the U.N. After my parents nasty divorce, I just wanted to escape and I did by marrying a Marine and leaving Kentucky. Come to find out, I am quite fertile and was pregnant within months of our wedding.
I have done the stay-at-home mom gig for so long with intermittent times of employment, that I have lost my identity as an individual… I am so-and-so’s mom or so-and-so’s wife. Not to say I hate being a mom, but I always felt there was more for me to do. I am above all else a social creature, but motherhood has a way of interfering with a social life. Especially for me, all the women my age had 1-3 kids and stopped, so they are empty nesters or close to becoming one. The women with kids aged of my younger two are at least 10 years younger than me, so we have not as much in common. The lack of a social network makes me feel even more confused about what direction to take.
In my time of absence, I did nothing more than I had to do to take care of the kids and myself. I listened to music, I read, and I thought… a lot of thinking. I am an introspective person. I started looking around my house and found that there was too much stuff. Useless stuff. It was eating at me. Then something happened, quite miraculous…. my husband left. He says he will come back, but who knows. He told me he was leaving, the day he left. I got sick the night he left. A really bad stomach virus… or psychosomatic, who knows.
I spent a week down, mostly in bed. I took alek as food as nothing else was staying in and knew the wonders of this natural medicine. When I was lucid, I thought about it all. I thought about what interests me most, what do I talk about most when given half a chance to be heard? What do I dream about? I knew. I dream about living off grid and off the land; preferably on a multi-family farm. I am enthusiastic about sustainability, natural and simple living, writing, upcycling and recycled sewing, literature, sufism, spirituality, tiny homes, art, holistic health, and women’s rights. Of course, my interests are varied, but in a way they are cohesive. It is about living a natural and simple life, not being of the materialistic world, being one with the creator and his creation, and empowerment of those who are usually the victims of our greedy society.
It still is a little stretched out and hope to maybe come up with some sort of mission statement to bring it all together to guide and reign me back in when I start to feel lost. In this process, I took the first steps. I started gathering up the junk; the crap that was weighing me down in my house. It is not completed yet as there was a lot to purge. I am finding that the knick knacks, books read over and over, old purses, and clothes too worn to wear were just a way to block having to face my problems. They were just things to fill the gaping wounds that never healed. I even have planned to buy a book that may help me, when I can get the money together to buy it: Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women by Mari McCaig and Edward S. Kubany. I have to address those wounds so I can move on and feel safe.
Next on my list is to take a huge risk. I am going to start a little business with the scrap fabric I have. It will be Urban Turban. It will feature headgear, turbans, tichels, and cloches for the women who like to cover, the hipsters who are making a statement, and anyone who wants to get a lil’ funky. When I can afford a serger, I will add square scarves and oblong ones (shaylas). I might eventually venture into selling the recycled, upcycled clothing that I make for myself. We shall see.
I am also going to get back into writing. My posts will center around the list above about what I am enthusiastic about along with my daily lamentations… ok ok, not so much lamenting, but chronicling my daily life with photos, stories, and the like. I do not know that anyone will follow me, but it is what sits well with me. It would be great to find that all elusive social circle of like-minded people through this medium.