Today is my 43rd birthday. I am over 40 and still struggling with a lot of things. Most of all; what is my purpose? I know that question is over done, however I feel like as a stay-at-home mom I am wasting my life. I am stuck! I feel that I have no control over my circumstances given my marital issues and lack of my own money.
I decided to look back over what I have written in my journal in the past. I found something that really struck me. It says at the top, “When my life is ideal, I am…” and then I list five things: 1) living naturally, simply, and purely 2) exuding peace and love 3) engaging in a spiritual life 4) edifying and empowering other people 5) having fun: riding horses, swimming, dancing, hiking, running, biking, etc. and then I added “THIS or something BETTER!!!”
Guess what folks? I am currently not doing any of that. I am still fat and physically unable to do some of the physical things. However, I am not even trying to do the things that I am able to do. I have not geared my life toward that which I want. Yes, I am financially restricted from some things, but I have made my life an impossibility. I could at the very least do the small things that I can.
I have let the stress of an imprisoned life (marriage) become a complete paralysis. Instead of coping with the stress head on, I let it tear me down. With the imperfection of me by society’s standards, I retreated. The once beautiful, outgoing, charming girl became like the Hunchback of Notre Dame; stowed away so no one would see what she had become… fat and ugly by my perception. The other day I read something that struck me: “Imagine if a rose bud looked down at its thorns and it was so ashamed that it refused to bloom. Your flaws are real, and they won’t disappear, but that’s no reason to deprive the world of you.”
I am flawed and imperfect, but I am intelligent, charismatic, witty, vivacious, diplomatic, etc. (words others have used to describe me.) I need to stop hiding. I need to accept my current circumstances and stop saying, “when a, b, c happens then I will be happy.” That is not to say that I should not strive for the goals mentioned above. No, the contrary… I need to stop letting the lack of perfect situations keep me from living the life I want… nothing mentioned in my goals were materialistic, they were all things that came from within.
Within! That is where I am today, on my birthday. I want to take a journey. I am not talking about going to Europe, or Africa, or anywhere within the United States. My journey will be going inward. I have always been spiritual by nature; that is why I have studied nearly every religion since age of 18. However, I find that all religions have lost the spirituality long ago in a greedy struggle for power. Religion today is a means to keep people enslaved. It is not what the prophets/messengers had brought from the Creator to mankind; it has been morphed, polluted, and misinterpreted by bias and ego. The only remnants of spirituality that remain in religions is the mysticism.
I am dropping religion from my life and gaining spirituality… the love and oneness of the Creator. I am going to dig deep within my soul and find my nectar, the essence that makes me a part of the energy of life. I am going to go so far as to find that place where peace and love is all the energy that I share. I believe that on this spiritual path, I will find the way to live naturally, simply, and purely. Service to others is proven to be the best way to the happiest state of mind and so I will find the ways in which I can do so by edifying and empowering other people. I recently heard a woman say that whatever your pain is, whatever trauma you experienced, whatever hurt you the most in life is your path to your purpose. I was severely abused by my first husband in every manner possible and am now in a controlling marriage (which I want to get out of when I have the job enabling me to take care of my kids and myself); these experiences have caused me the most pain and suffering and perhaps I should seek a way to help women get out, stay out or even help girls to prevent these devastating relationships.
As for the activities that I mentioned, yes some require some money to do, but I will make time to engage in those that do not. Love of self is first and foremost, because if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love another. It is not egotistical to take care of yourself with kindness and gentleness. We are our first teacher and first student. How can you know what actions imbue love if you do not try them on yourself first? How do you know what feels good to the soul, if you do not experience it yourself? Some think (and I have been guilty of it myself) that someone else has to put us first and love us. However, as Humble The Poet says, “It is not selfish to put yourself first, it is selfish to think someone else has to put you first.” Despite the conditioning I have received, I am learning that I am actually worthy of love and being number one in my life. In all actuality, the fact that I have always put others first, especially spouses, has led to my demise and the maltreatment. I thought if I put them first, they would in exchange do the same. It never works that way.
As you can see throughout my blog, I have had some religious experiences and some spiritual ones. I hope to share my purely spiritual experiences with you and highlight what I have learned. I will be meditating, trying yoga, reading books, and hopefully attending some events or finding a variety of paths with other people.