I have been on a self beating and berating because I am not the beauty I once was. I use to have a great figure, but I have gained a lot of weight after years of abusive marriages and five children. In this society, I put off people before they even bother to get to know me. They never find out what an intelligent, compassionate and loving person I am.
As much as it stings that people skip over me. The most painful part of being so big is that I cannot do the things that I not only loved, but was so damn good at. I use to “simultaneously touching the earth and reaching up to the skies” while dancing. I rode horses like they were my winged Pegasus. People would stop me and ask to take my photo or compliment my smile. Those things never happen anymore or I am unable to do them. It makes me feel like I am not me… I am trapped in a stranger… someone I do not know and most days… do not like.
I am trying to regain myself, or some form of me… something… anything. This blog is helping me put a voice to what is trapped in my heart. I went to Nursing school, graduated, passed my NCLEX and trying to find work in that field; but I do not portray the health image, so I am just trying to find work in any field. The struggle with my weight and subsequent unemployment is really kicking me in the tail; nearly to the ground.
I read a lot and on a variety of topics… science, sociology, health, women’s history etc. In this reading, I found an interesting article on a find in Austria while studying women in history. They found a small statue named the Venus Willendorf. She is considered either a symbol of fertility or a Mother Goddess figurine. The thing is she is fat; perfectly, beautifully fat… the epitome of the mother who birthed the world.
You cannot be a skinny twig and hold up the stresses of the world. You need the broad shoulders, curvy hips, ample breasts, rotund belly to endure the violence, indifference, uncaring, lack of empathy and exploitation. This was very empowering to me. Gave me a chance to love myself as I am instead of knocking myself down. I may be fat, but I am strong, resilient, and powerful. I have to give myself credit for all that is positive and right about me. Perhaps letting go of the voice that points out all that is wrong with me, will allow my mind/body/spirit to work together to bring me back to who I truly am. Let’s hope!