“Easily Drained” And “Internally Stimulated”

I have a ten year itch. I am ready for a divorce from my current husband– we are not compatible; nothing in common except the two children we have together, but even we disagree on how to raise them. We have been married for ten years. I was married before for ten years. My former husband was violent and cheated on me, but I think, perhaps if it had happened within the ten years, instead of toward the end, I could have tried to work things out and been more patient. But, at ten years my patience had disintegrated like the end of crocheted yarn.

I am a loyal person, but I do not view particular people as something I NEED, cannot live without. To me, people come and go. Even my own family. I love them. I miss the ones that have died, but I do not have a sense of loss. My sisters still ache for our mom. But, I see it different… she is not suffering from cancer anymore and that is a good thing to me, even though I miss her.

I have always been an outsider. I never belonged anywhere; not among my sisters and parents, not my extended family, not among Muslims, no where. I wish I could find a place to belong, but I feel like an odd shaped puzzle piece, that no matter how you try to jam me in that one empty hole of the puzzle, I just don’t fit in it. I have tried to make myself fit in, but to no avail– it makes me feel like crap, untrue to my innate self.

Recently, I was interviewed by a professor of sociology at University of Kentucky for his study on converts to Islam. He asked about friends… I really do not have any close friends; none really. I did not realize it until he asked; much like I did not realize I was anorexic until the doctor asked what I ate in a day. I made excuses to him, but I am a loner who dreams of fitting in somewhere. I was very extroverted when I was growing up, but in my role as a mama, I have become quite introverted… spending hours in introspection and as Luna states in her blog, “internally stimulated”, “quietly complacent” and “embrace [ing] eccentricity”.

The only time I can recall really fitting in is when I worked with horses and when I am out in the hills of Red River Gorge or the deserts and rugged terrain of the Southwest… but it is a connection to the land; not the people. Interestingly enough, I am quite the social butterfly when in a group of people. I have excellent interpersonal communications skills, yet I find that with people feeling so comfortable in talking to me I take on much of their dead or negative energy and feel I have to isolate myself from that once in a while. Luna best put it that I am “easily drained” and so therefore, I am “selectively social”, “intimately selective” and “value solitude.”

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