I have been working toward gaining a sense of myself again and decided to follow the TLC’s: Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes. The one thing that I am absolutely great at; whether it be good or bad, is introspection. I am always looking within and trying to figure out how I tick, what I need (in the core) and in what ways can I improve. I notice some nasty little things about me. For one, I am critical, frustrated and angry at the ones I love most. It is a result of stress. But, what is it that makes me so stressed that I destroy the relationships with my loved ones. I have not always been this way and so gave it a lot of thought.
Recently I read an opinion piece in the New York Times about the love of money. The author said he contacted a counselor to beat his alcohol and drug addiction. She said that he had a “spiritual malady” of needing to feel powerful. When he kicked drugs and alcohol, he merely switched to money as his addiction instead of healing his “inner wound.” He still felt powerless and wanted to be in control because in some way we feel “damaged and inadequate.”
This rang so true for me. I feel powerless. I feel I am spinning my wheels and going no where and it is so painfully frustrating. In turn, I lash out against anything that may be perceived as an obstacle to me living my life the way I want. Sadly, since I am always with my children with a fairly absent husband, they are the ones that get to see my ugliness and not him. But, even he does not deserve it, simply because he does not deserve that much energy from me. It is not even about him, it is about me. Ever since I was in an abusive marriage with my ex husband, I have played the role of victim. Now that I am in a loveless and empty marriage, I am in the same role again. I want to break free… I need to break free, but still looking for the means to be financially independent enough to take care of me and my five kids.
I decided to learn more about this feeling of powerlessness and came across an article from Deepak Chopra, that touched on many of the things I was finding in myself already. He says firstly to “stop giving away my power” and goes on to say that this happens when we “decide that others matter more than you do. Or when you let someone who seems to have more power take charge of you.” Keeping the peace “reduce your sense of self-worth, and without self-worth, you cannot rid yourself of your powerlessness. ”
Secondly, he says to “examine why it’s ‘good’ to be a victim.” I realized on my own that I have been playing the role of victim, but surely do not know why it is “good” to be. Deepak Chopra says that the pay off is the “virtues” gained: “selfless pain”, “protection” and “forgiveness”. In order to break the vicious cycle is to admit that victim is “role is voluntary. They are not trapped by fate, destiny, or the will of God. Their role is a personal choice, and they can chose differently.”
Thirdly, we have to “develop our core self.” He says that the “core self” is the “part of you that connects to reality, placing you at the center of experiences that you personally create.” We are in fact the “the author of your own story” and must pick up the pen and write it, in other words we have to develop the story, write it, live it.
Fourthly, we must “align yourself with the flow of evolution, or personal growth.” Deepak says for us to let the “path will unfold and you will evolve.” We plant the seeds, we water them, give them plenty of sun and then watch it grow…. keep positive. Do not let cold, destructive winds or scavengers destroy what we are growing… thwart negativity.
Fifthly, “trust in a power that transcends everyday reality.” Know that God (the supreme creator) never asked that we suffer for the sake of peace of to not rock the boat. Deepak furthers says to look for “escape routes”; these are to help us escape our negative victim self talk… to silence our inner victim. He says, “escape routes exist along the qualities hidden in consciousness and they are creativity, intelligence, love and compassion, quantum leaps and devotion.
I feel confident that I am on the right track with this epiphany and feel much relief for tapping into a key in the hidden aspects of my mind. If you have any suggestions, please share with me.