Fears Kills Dreams

Been lazy lately…not writing posts. I could blame a million and one things, ie. Ramadan. But the fact is, I am lazy. I have gotten into a rut. I want a change in life and because I am afraid of wasting more time on something I really do not love, I waste time on nothing. I have spent most of my adult life, wasting my time on things not worthwhile… ie. marriages that were not meant to be. I guess I cannot say it was a total waste… out of two marriages, I did get five beautiful, healthy and pretty incredible kids. So, yea.. motherhood is never a waste of time. I guess it feels like a waste because I have been doing so many things that other people wanted me, needed me, or I mistakenly felt I had to do. Like put up with men that did not really love me, because there was no one else who would have me. Or going to college to do something my spouse and father thought I should do.

Fact is, I do not want to be a pill pusher after people get sick from living wrongly. I want to help people (and myself) prevent getting ill; which 80%-95% of diseases are preventable. Nearly all are caused by auto-immune disorders (we kill our own selves) from eating processed foods, not being active enough, not getting enough fresh air and sun, and not caring for ourselves holistically: mind, body, spirit.

I started this blog because one of the things I use to do (before I got caught up in satisfying everyone else’s needs and desires) was write. I made a list of the things, I use to do, and found so much joy in doing… sadly, I hardly do any of them anymore. I use to dance, for hours on end, making up routines with my sisters and friends. I use to ride horses… oh the smell of a horse and the feel of bouncing through a field with wind in my face. I am probably too big to ride now… scare the poor animal. I use to swim… gracefully divide the water, ripples kissing my skin as my body glided through the elixir of life. I always felt powerful, purified, and rejuvenated after a good hard swim. I use to rappel down towers, natural arches, anything nature had to give me. I was fearless and loved to go Australian, aka face first. Needless to say, I miss myself.

So, here I am… I am trying to regain what I lost and achieve the new dreams I have. I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur. I long to have my own business. I dream of a sewing shop, called the Sewcial Club, where I teach sewing, have sewing machines and space to rent, sew every day things to sell, sew costumes/designer wear for clients… all the while having coffee, tea and crumpets. A girl’s place, although boys are welcome too. I also dream of being a health coach. I want to teach people to eat from scratch, get back to the earth, and move through dance, walking, swimming…whatever makes you feel good and refreshed.

I love my dreams, but I am frozen. I spent twenty years, not doing what I should have been doing… not living my life for me. I am afraid of making mistakes, of wasting more time, of seeing fifty still empty-handed… not of possessions but of accomplishments. I am afraid of failing. So, this blog is my way of trying to regain my former self-confidence, sense of being and self-respect, so I will overcome the fears that eat me and do what I love to do.


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